Building relationships is one of the most rewarding parts of college, but it’s also one of the most demanding. Forming these connections takes time and effort. It also requires you to put yourself out there and accept the risk of social discomfort. Between new roommates, shifting friend groups, and dating, it’s easy to feel anxious or unsure where to start.
Understanding how your relationships affect you is tremendously valuable. The right mindset can help you build supportive friendships that last. It can also help you set appropriate boundaries and protect your mental health.
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Why Do I Feel Lonely Even Though I’m Surrounded by People?
Loneliness is common among college students, even when they’re surrounded by others. Almost half of college students report feeling lonely. Research also suggests that young women can feel lonely even when they have a lot of social connections in their lives. This shows that the quality of your relationships matters just as much as the quantity.
While it’s difficult to experience, loneliness isn’t necessarily a sign you’re doing anything wrong. The Harvard Graduate School of Education notes that some loneliness is expected and natural for college students. The problem occurs when loneliness becomes lasting and limiting to your daily life. Such loneliness can be tied to depression, anxiety, and a higher risk of substance abuse.
The Jed Foundation offers some strategies that can help with loneliness. These include:
- Identifying loneliness as a temporary feeling you’re having, not as a sign that something is wrong with you
- Staying in regular contact with friends and family from home via phone or video calls
- Getting outside for some physical activity to break the cycle of rumination
- Practicing gratitude for people and things in your life, and listing your own positive traits
- Joining campus activities you’re curious about or volunteering for an organization
How to Make Friends in College When It Seems Easy for Everyone Else
When you begin college, it can feel like everyone else arrived with a friend group. Forming your first connections can be nerve-racking and intimidating. Making friends can feel even more difficult if you’re dealing with social anxiety, homesickness, or other mental health challenges.
It’s not always clear how to make the first move and reach out to others, especially if you’re not extroverted by nature. Gradual steps can work better than forcing yourself into overwhelming social situations. Dartmouth University lists some strategies for building strong college friendships. These include:
- Finding spaces that encourage repeated social interactions, like clubs, shared projects, campus organizations, and other recurring activities
- Treating classes as springboards for friendships by arriving early, forming study groups, or discussing interesting lectures with others
- Identifying your “network type,” which refers to whether you like a small, tight-knit group of friends or smaller clusters, and determining what you need from your friendships
- Remaining open to new people and not feeling pressured to “lock in” a friend group immediately
How Toxic Friendships Can Affect Your Mental Health
As your relationships evolve, conflict will probably arise at one point or another. Nobody is perfect, and conflict doesn’t necessarily mean that a friendship has turned unhealthy. The concern is a pattern of behavior in which one person is emotionally taken advantage of or harmed. This may look like someone who disrespects your boundaries or talks about you behind your back.
Over time, these dynamics can affect how you see yourself. A bad or manipulative friend can undermine your mental health and make you question your own character and abilities. Psychology Today reports that toxic friendships can contribute to stress, anxiety, and depression. They note some signs of unhealthy friendships to look out for. These include:
- An imbalance where one friend expects you to listen and support them without caring about your well-being in return
- Someone who tries to change you or suggests you need to be different to be acceptable
- Someone who is overly critical, unkind, or cruel
- Someone who takes advantage of you or others
- Someone who regularly leaves you feeling exhausted or stressed
Roommate Conflict and Mental Health: How to Set Healthy Boundaries
Sharing a small space with someone you may not know well is a significant adjustment. Conflicts with roommates are common, so it’s important to know how to avoid or address them. Setting expectations early can prevent many such problems. The Jed Foundation recommends establishing ground rules around common sources of conflict, such as guests, noise, and cleaning. They also encourage talking directly to your roommate when something bothers you and entering such conversations without assuming that your roommate is doing it on purpose.
Brigham Young University identifies three keys to healthy roommate relationships: courtesy, communication, and compromise. They advise direct, respectful discussions when issues arise, noting that passive-aggression or ignoring problems can only make things worse. In setting boundaries, they also recommend:
- identifying what and when you are willing to share, with a rule of always asking for permission if there is any doubt
- establishing schedules for which chores need to be done when, and who will do each
- talking through each person’s sleeping, studying, and social habits to come up with basic rules that work for both of you
How to Cope With a Breakup While Staying on Track in College
Breakups can be devastating. Psych Central notes that grief is a natural reaction to the end of a relationship, even if you are the one who ended it. Grieving a relationship can involve strong feelings of sadness, anger, guilt, or doubt. It can also affect how you think and feel, from difficulty concentrating to changes in your sleep and eating habits.
There is no set timeline or path through grief. It’s inevitable that any major life event, such as a significant breakup, will impact your mental health and academic performance in some way. However, there are ways to deal with grief productively and minimize its effects on your studies and other responsibilities.
Psych Central notes that some ways to support yourself through grief include:
- Allowing yourself time and space to feel what you need rather than trying to avoid or suppress feelings
- Seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist
- Engaging in self-care, from exploring a new hobby to reconnecting with activities you enjoy
- Exploring new places or activities that aren’t tied to memories of the relationship
- Letting your professors or an advisor know if your coursework is suffering
The University of New Hampshire suggests establishing new daily routines and setting limits on social media. If sadness or difficulty functioning persists, a mental health professional can help you determine whether you’re experiencing grief or something more, such as depression.
People-Pleasing, Boundaries, and Fear of Rejection in Young Adults
It can be easy to put others’ comfort ahead of your own, especially if you want to avoid conflict or rejection. However, this often results in anxiety, resentment, and exhaustion. The University of Toronto notes that this kind of “people-pleasing” behavior is often encouraged in women due to societal pressure and expectations.
If you think you may be a “people-pleaser,” it may indicate a need to work on your boundaries. Psychology Today describes resentment as a clear sign that your boundaries may be weak, often because you’ve overextended yourself while neglecting your own needs. They note that small, low-stakes steps can help you avoid people-pleasing and say “no” when you need to.
These strategies may include:
- Taking time to check in with your feelings, which can tip you off that a boundary needs to be set
- Actively asking what you need in a situation to feel respected or safe
- Practicing small “micro-risks,” such as asking for a bit of space or declining an invitation
- Reflecting on your progress in setting boundaries and adjusting your next steps as needed
If a fear of disapproval keeps you from expressing your needs in relationships, therapy can help you understand where the pattern comes from and build more confidence in setting limits.
Find Support for Relationship Challenges and Mental Health at Luna Recovery for Women
If you are experiencing persistent loneliness or relationship difficulties, help is available. Your campus counseling center, student health service, primary care provider, or a therapist can help you understand what you’re experiencing and determine what support may be appropriate.
If you struggle with your relationships and are looking for a mental health treatment program, we are here to help. Luna Recovery for Women is proud to offer women-centered mental health and addiction treatment that empowers women to heal in a compassionate, supportive, and understanding environment.
To learn more about treatment options, and our Brookline, MA location catered to college students, please contact Luna Recovery for Women at (888) 491-3722 today.